Coeur brisé moi...again

"Great night!" (so I thought) .

Before sleeping, I did my routine on checking mails, reading articles, and visiting Facebook (of course). There she was feeling alive despite her being denied of her vacation back home. Plans were great before she got denied with it, meeting up, hanging out together, getting to know each other more kind of like. I wanted to walk with her, hold her hands, touch her face, dine with her, walk her home and perhaps...give her a good night kiss.

But then disappointment came, she was devastated, I felt her pain, I felt sadness and how much she tries so hard for whatever she desired to happen, somehow work out. I felt that.

She is a part of me, no matter how some people "identify" her..she was part of me, I invested a big part of my heart to her, for the second time...

After a lot of days without communication, I felt something's up. I know she's going through something, she used to call every night, but she stopped doing it after she got the bad news. I started to wonder, left her emails that some she answered and some she did not.

I wanted it to work, I tried for it to work. She kept saying that we both need to pray for one another. I did. She did, at least she told me she did.

"Good Morning!"

I did not know what was happening, no calls, no emails.

Checked my mails, and there...an email from her, on Facebook, without her profile picture..just her name.

She wrote:

i was desperate 'coz all of my plans wrecked.....i'm very disappointed ....I think things between us for the moment won't work out.... because of my situation, i can't be there for u if u need someone to talk to....because of some personal problems....

my company is unstable and i don't have any assurance because the owner planned to change the management again & again....i've been here for more than 2yrs....and everything was still the same....no wage increase & frequent salary delay....

i decided to take a risk and look for another job....come what may........

if ever in the future if we're really meant for each other we'll gonna meet again....

just take care always.....

God Bless us always

...and I paused

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Am I In Pursuit of God?

Browsing through my blog and reading comments from my previous posts, my last blog, entitled Starting Over, was about how God revealed His plans for me. How trusting I was expressing that, and how obedient I was...but what about now?

What has happened to me? What happened to that trust? That obedience?

I haven't been good in to doing that these past few months. I was in FEAR. I have been focusing on the wrong things, instead of looking towards the plans God laid for me, I was looking and searching for something else. Maybe that's why a lot of people say I am losing weight, I am indeed, but not physically, I am losing weight - spiritually. I believe that if that your soul or spirit is not being healthy, or you don't keep it healthy, it would manifest itself from the inside...out.

I looked for somebody to confide with rather than seeking God Himself. I sought for a romantic relationship to fill a big void rather than allowing God to fill that void. I am in deep trouble. I thought I knew everything, but the more I know these things the more I act like I don't really know. What do I know then?

Maybe the question that I should ask myself is that, do I have faith in everything that I know? Do I trust that One who knows everything? How is my relationship with Him? Am I seeking Him before seeking anything else?

I often thought that asking for space would be a good idea, but why am I asking of something that I have right now? I have a big hole already and now I am thinking of SPACE?! Might as well ask for a black hole!

There are things that I need to deal with, I need to be whole...again. This is my pursuit, to be whole and complete in Christ. My desire is that I would be able to be a mirror that reflects Christ, in my relationship to my loved ones and to others. I just want to be where God is, and allow Him to seal the black hole-like emptiness that is keeping me from growing and the other believers that I have asked for help, empty. Without Christ doing a great work in me and complete it, then I will never be God's obra maestra.

A friend of mine, told me, during Chris Tomlin's visit in the Philippines, that I should acknowledge God's power over the things that are keeping me from being who God wants me to be. That I should let go and LET GOD...

So yes, I am in pursuit, letting go...and letting God do the great work in me and through me

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