Whole and Loved

Whoa! It has been far too long since my last post here and in between those years, a LOT has happened.

Things I  write on this blog have always been about my private life's experiences if not just about anything else under the sun. But since I haven't posted for a long while, I think I owe my followers and readers (whoever that may be), something. At least I feel like I do.

I remember writing on my post about starting over, saying I am "following Jesus..", and yes, I did, and still do and forever will be, nothing's gonna change no matter how much circumstances have changed. So I left everything and did just that, and then came the next post, asking my self if I am still in pursuit of Christ, I started feeling alone, started to discover things about my self and even had this clear direction, before I left home. I was able to meet people who have led me to knowing my self more but had a hard time on where that would fit with my desire to fully serve God and making an influence in somebody elses life. It was all new for me and I felt uncomfortable in some way and was not comfortable in my own skin. Knowing my self, I just brushed it off and focused why I was where I was, that was the direction I had to take. I just had to finish.

So there I was, flooded with papers to write, assignments to submit, I enjoyed mostly the class other than the requirements (who loves 'em, anyway? right?) and missed most of it and had to find my self starting to work on my papers and assignments after the semester has ended, which made feel like starting the previous and current semester at the same time, and that added to the stress in my work. I was both working and studying at the same time, and partying as well HA!

The discussion I had in class made the direction I was taking even more clearer. Dealing with the stress at work and school, got me out of focus with my personal relationship with God, it was kind of funny tho, I'm reading all these religious stuff from great writers, enjoying and learning from each activity and discussion in class, loving my work, and yet drifting from Christ! I was warned...

But anyway, I'm back, I'm back the rough way...I realized God loves me so much that He didn't want me to pursue something that made me drift away, did I finish my degree? Nope. What happened after the paragraph above? Ask me, and we'll talk.

I'm currently back at home, with family and friends, recuperating, and waiting. And hopefully, will leave before the year ends, WHOLE and LOVED.

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50

Yesterday, I was in a tricycle on my way to work I had 100 peso bill, last money I had, that I used to pay for the ride from home. The driver gave me back 73 peso worth of change that I slipped in my pocket then hurried my way in to the seminary.

During lunch, I used the sum of money I had in my pocket to buy lunch. It was about 75 pesos for the food and 9 pesos for my drinks. When I was done eating, the lady in the dinning hall called my attention and told me that I gave a fake 50 peso bill!

As I was thinking about it, 50 percent of what I gave came back to me...fake. Even though it's not as much as a fake 500 peso bill which could've been devastating, still it was what it was. I asked my self how come I wasn't able to notice it. It was very bright red, the original bill was lighter, it only had one letter in the serial number when there should be 2. The hidden image of the hero in the bill was different, he looked funny and had a lot of hair on his face. Amused by what I was seeing, then I began asking and thinking...deeper.

I began asking my self these questions, "how real am I?", "Is there even a speck of fakefulness hiding in me?", "does my search for authenticity reflect that I am not being real my self?", or "how much truth do I believe in my self and to others?".

How much fakeness do you have? How much is real?

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Coeur brisé moi...again

"Great night!" (so I thought) .

Before sleeping, I did my routine on checking mails, reading articles, and visiting Facebook (of course). There she was feeling alive despite her being denied of her vacation back home. Plans were great before she got denied with it, meeting up, hanging out together, getting to know each other more kind of like. I wanted to walk with her, hold her hands, touch her face, dine with her, walk her home and perhaps...give her a good night kiss.

But then disappointment came, she was devastated, I felt her pain, I felt sadness and how much she tries so hard for whatever she desired to happen, somehow work out. I felt that.

She is a part of me, no matter how some people "identify" her..she was part of me, I invested a big part of my heart to her, for the second time...

After a lot of days without communication, I felt something's up. I know she's going through something, she used to call every night, but she stopped doing it after she got the bad news. I started to wonder, left her emails that some she answered and some she did not.

I wanted it to work, I tried for it to work. She kept saying that we both need to pray for one another. I did. She did, at least she told me she did.

"Good Morning!"

I did not know what was happening, no calls, no emails.

Checked my mails, and there...an email from her, on Facebook, without her profile picture..just her name.

She wrote:

i was desperate 'coz all of my plans wrecked.....i'm very disappointed ....I think things between us for the moment won't work out.... because of my situation, i can't be there for u if u need someone to talk to....because of some personal problems....

my company is unstable and i don't have any assurance because the owner planned to change the management again & again....i've been here for more than 2yrs....and everything was still the same....no wage increase & frequent salary delay....

i decided to take a risk and look for another job....come what may........

if ever in the future if we're really meant for each other we'll gonna meet again....

just take care always.....

God Bless us always

...and I paused

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Am I In Pursuit of God?

Browsing through my blog and reading comments from my previous posts, my last blog, entitled Starting Over, was about how God revealed His plans for me. How trusting I was expressing that, and how obedient I was...but what about now?

What has happened to me? What happened to that trust? That obedience?

I haven't been good in to doing that these past few months. I was in FEAR. I have been focusing on the wrong things, instead of looking towards the plans God laid for me, I was looking and searching for something else. Maybe that's why a lot of people say I am losing weight, I am indeed, but not physically, I am losing weight - spiritually. I believe that if that your soul or spirit is not being healthy, or you don't keep it healthy, it would manifest itself from the inside...out.

I looked for somebody to confide with rather than seeking God Himself. I sought for a romantic relationship to fill a big void rather than allowing God to fill that void. I am in deep trouble. I thought I knew everything, but the more I know these things the more I act like I don't really know. What do I know then?

Maybe the question that I should ask myself is that, do I have faith in everything that I know? Do I trust that One who knows everything? How is my relationship with Him? Am I seeking Him before seeking anything else?

I often thought that asking for space would be a good idea, but why am I asking of something that I have right now? I have a big hole already and now I am thinking of SPACE?! Might as well ask for a black hole!

There are things that I need to deal with, I need to be whole...again. This is my pursuit, to be whole and complete in Christ. My desire is that I would be able to be a mirror that reflects Christ, in my relationship to my loved ones and to others. I just want to be where God is, and allow Him to seal the black hole-like emptiness that is keeping me from growing and the other believers that I have asked for help, empty. Without Christ doing a great work in me and complete it, then I will never be God's obra maestra.

A friend of mine, told me, during Chris Tomlin's visit in the Philippines, that I should acknowledge God's power over the things that are keeping me from being who God wants me to be. That I should let go and LET GOD...

So yes, I am in pursuit, letting go...and letting God do the great work in me and through me

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Starting Over

Moving on...

Leaving a church, best of friends, family, and some really great people are perhaps things that I avoid. I always thought that I could gather everybody in one place till our hairs turn to gray and our faces are filled with wrinkles. But I can't.

Less than a month from now, I will be, well as they all say...starting over.

I could still remember the time I was having breakfast with my former boss at my first job, he asked me, "What are your plans?", having told his plans of putting up his own software business, I readily told him that I always wanted to be a missionary. It was the clearest thing that I ever uttered, being involve in God's work in the front lines. But as time passed I always justified it as something that I can do while having a secular job, I mean I should always do things for God's glory, so why be a missionary?

Resigning from that job, I have heard my boss has already built his own company and is doing well, he is also a Christian and has applauded my desire for an eternal purpose. But that desire faded, not until now...

Having 4 jobs in a year, was difficult. I couldn't find a place where I could say that I am "happy". I enjoy doing my job for like the first six months and not enjoy it after. Everything becomes a routine and happiness just comes when the boss is not around, or when we play DOTA every after 2 hours or when tempted to do so. Work for me was like that, I never thought of seeing it in a different perspective.

And so I prayed, I really prayed, there was one church service that I remember when I prayed, "Lord, show what it means to serve you in spirit and in truth...", I have prayed for that many times but I guess I never meant it.

Months after, after seeking answers about being complete and happy, I lost my job...the company I was working with shut down. The human reaction was always to ask God why... Remembering my prayer, I knew God was up to something, something greater...as they say, "be careful what you pray for..."

On December 2009, a friend of mine came home for Christmas told me that my recent job application at the seminary still stands, and that the seminary is really praying for me. Being without a job, and without the money to pay for my bills, I readily contacted them through Facebook mail and told them that I am interested.

The seminary, the place where I would fulfill God's plan and my desire to be on the front lines...this is it, so I thought. I got convicted that I need to go to the seminary because God in His still, small voice, told me to do so, I don't need to go because of the job, or because I need to pay some bills, or for any other reason...just that voice, I needed to hear that voice...again.

I decided not to take the offer, I decided not to talk to people from the seminary. I needed to listen. I did not want my decisions to be clouded by people, by circumstances, by any other reasons and excuse. I needed to listen.

Then there was this Friday morning, JB and I were having our devotional about the life of King Saul, David and Jonathan. We shared about how important obedience was than offering sacrifices. How God turned His back from King Saul as a price he needed to pay for his disobedience. Having our morning prayer, never expected how that day would turn out.

Evening prayer meeting came, same day, the church was praying for there new deacons, and extending their blessing to the missionaries in Burma. I remember a missionary came up the pulpit and closed that prayer meeting with the same prayer I prayed that morning...I HAD GOOSEBUMPS!

That night I knew I had to listen again...and it all boils down to this. I have decided to follow Jesus...no more excuse now, no more hiding, I am going.

I am moving on...starting over with a different perspective. And NO...I will not be leaving anybody behind, I don't want to think about that that way, I am just going to a place where God wants me to be, and when I meet them again...what an AMAZING view that will be.

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That Little Boy

Christmas...a season of hope, love, giving, and joy. As I was contemplating what Christmas would be like for me this year, I thought of other people instead...

As a growing Christian, I know and have always believed on the true reason why I celebrate Christmas, but then what about others? Will they live the same truth? When there is hopelessness, poverty, illness, and other miseries!

I think of the kids on the street, with nothing to eat, and with no home to be on Christmas day. I feel for my friend who's mom is in the ICU who just had brain surgery. I feel for my friends who won't be with their parents and complete family during Christmas day. I wonder what will be Christmas be for them...

But then when I think of the pain that these people go through, the loneliness they have to endure waiting for their loved ones home, the cold of the night that the kids would have to endure...i think of that boy...who was born in a manger, cold, where no inn would accept them, where no family would be willing to help them, and soon enough where people would soon crucify Him.

I think of that little Boy...who came to give everybody HOPE. Who gave the reason for all of us to celebrate. That despite the sufferings, we believe that one day will come He will wipe every tear in our eyes, and every torn that caused pain He will remove.

I don't know how those people would celebrate, but I wish that they would think of that little boy...

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Life's Crisis

Life, some say it's unfair, some say it's worth having, some treasures it so much that they refuse to lose it, and for some a toy that they can play with any way they want.

A lot of people today visited their dearly departed in cemeteries, I always wondered how they lived their lives. I wonder why, after years of being lost, they are not forgotten. Will I be forgotten?

It's a long weekend because of the holiday and I just came from a retreat with a lot of young people from Cross Reign Ministry Church and I had a retreat my self too. It's my first time to be really be a part of a team that would really handle a retreat coz before I was this boy who just participates and be led. Now it's my turn, time has turned the tables on me.

During our first night, I was able to have a slight of background of those kids. Some were recently suspended from school because of drinking inside the classrooms, by the way, did I mention they're just in high school? So yes, some of them were dysfunctional, they're going through stuff that I think I was in back then.

So being there for these kids, it was a very BIG opportunity to be in the team, it was a time for me to personally minister to those kids in a timely crisis. The crisis of life...

When I was at their age, I really did not have a full understanding of living a Christian life, I never really felt the need to understand it as well, I think I was doing OKAY...

My prayer is that, whatever they learned during the retreat, I just pray that they choose and really decide to treasure it, the response might not come overnight, but I do hope that they get to walk along with it.

And to those who have already decided how to do with their lives, I hope they remain faithful, I pray that they would really press on and not give up. Life is wonderful with Jesus. I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

I really like to write about it a lot more but I felt like, I just have to sit and wait for God's hands to work. I did what He told me to do...now i'll leave it all up to Him.

May God bless us all, let us continue to press on and not give up.

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Creative God

In the evening of Friday 2009 AD, the Philippine Independence Day, I was able to attend a prayer meeting that uhm...well not the usual setup but tonight was something meaty and chunky. After the prayer time, two missionaries shared their testimonies in the congregation.

One is a Filipina, she was able to serve the Lord in the mountains of Nepal the other was an American, a pastor who is training young people and those young at heart for missions.

I decided to write this here because it was memorable...God spoke to me tonight. In His own creative way...

I am overwhelmed...

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Questions

Answers...I always have thought these could close a question, that it could actually solve a dilemma but these past few months I have come to realize that it really doesn't give you relief but rather opens its way for another question, thus the loop goes on.

Questions like "How Are you?", seemed complicated and hard to answer, it was like a part of you says that your OK and the other not really so. For some who have recently asked me...sorry if i just gave you a grin. Last night, a couple of young people faced the the same question and i wasn't really that happy to know the answer.

When you are in an ocean of questions and there aren't answers that you could really fish out, sometimes it's better to embrace the tide and flow with the current. You'll never know where the current will ead you to. When I was talking about this with a really really dear brother, Jarrett, he said that..."in part, questions are wonderful because they keep you moving somewhere, they keep you continuing forward and looking for something more. If you were given final answers and there were no more questions... then there would be no more need to progress and discover..." he adds, "the more that I have them..the more I realize that I don't know but the hardest thing is to rest in that..."

And the moment he said that, i have come to realize that, questions really aren't there to confuse you but rather to guide you, and yes maybe to a new set of questions...like they say, only dumb people don't ask, though I really don't believe that dumb people exists...only questions.

Questions are like dots in your head and that you need some line, called answers to connect them and somehow distiguish their realtionships. Maybe if you look into the details you just see a never ending loop of dots and lines but when you see the bigger picture...a painting, a new work of art is made. It's like zoomin in on a painting of picture and all you could see are pixels and dots of paint....

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Composition #5

Composing...one of the things I do to vent out emotions. It's 10.45PM and my brother's sleeping in my bed, while listening to Josh Groban's songs, I am hoping to come up with a good or better piece. So here goes...

My Rest
by Admiral Ato

In my silence, I find peace
In my clamor, I find release
In my quest to lose myself
I seek no other but Yourself

My selfishness engulfs me
Thy presence humbles me
How long! How long! Shall I rest?
Put an end to my restlessness!

Like sheep, stubborn and complacent
I find humility, Oh when shall I see Your debasement
Will I be ready? Will I be weary?
When without Thee, I toil, I grow jaded...

Just as the heavens await
So shall my spirit anticipate
For You to come, for You to conquer
Vanquish my pursuit, for there's no need to wrangle

When will I leave?
With You...no more shall I cleave!
My benevolence, compassion, and affection...
Take hold of it, for I don't want them, because You are here,
Alive and near...

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Losing Weight

It's been three days now since I started working out and burning some calories. The gym's pretty near my house and it doesn't cost too much at least not for now...

I decided to attend gym classes for the reason that I don't have any sport that i could do everyday...or just to be precise, I don't know any sport (and yes not even "shatong"). I felt like I never enjoyed my chioldhood coz I don't know how to play basketball nor drive a bike! I've been pretty much at home when I was I kid and lived mister goody-two-shoes.

Reluctant to go to the gym, I decided to join former office mates, Henry and Rodney at the gym. Don't really plan to build big muscles or 6 packs of abs, I basically want to sweat just like other guys who play various sports. I don't exercise nor do I engage into any sport and my work needs me to be in front of the computer for like at least 9 hours so I really thought I need this.

Since it's my first time to ever attend a gym class and work out I was surfing through the net of some helpful tips for people like me, here's what I've had so far (src: Eight Time Saving Work out Tips):

Do exercises that use multiple muscles, called multitasking. For example, a squat uses the front and back of your legs as well as your butt. After each squat, add an overhead shoulder press using a light dumbbell and you will hit even more muscles.

Focus on your big muscles. Working your biggest muscles burns tons of calories and will give your metabolism a good boost. These muscles are your butt, thighs, back and core i.e., lower back, abdominal and oblique muscles.

Intensify your aerobic workout. By doing so, you can get results in half the time. For example, instead of doing forty minutes of walking, jogging or low impact aerobics go on a bike or treadmill at a high intensity for twenty minutes. If you have been working out regularly for at least a month, you could try doing intervals.

Exercise at a level that to you is hard, or very hard for two minutes Then, lower your effort -- but keep moving! -- for one minute. Repeat this cycle for twenty minutes.

Double up your exercises. Rather than resting between sets, use that time to work a different muscle group, preferably a complementary muscle. For example, alternate one set of biceps curls with one set of triceps dips. Alternatively, do a set of seated leg extensions with a set of leg curls. These are super-sets and they nearly double the number of exercises you can do in a short time.

Incorporate circuit training. Circuit training combines aerobics and strength training in the same workout. Doing this type of work out gives you calorie-burning benefits along with strength gains. For example, do a strength exercise for one minute. Without taking any rest, move on to another. Every two or three exercises add one minute of jump roping or your aerobic activity of choice for one or two minutes.

Before your morning shower and breakfast, or during your lunch hour, squeeze in two sets of ten of the following bare-essential moves: crunches, pull-ups, push-ups, squats and lunges. These calisthenics target and tone most areas of the body but do not take more than a few minutes to do. Short bursts of exercise add up. If you can accumulate 30 minutes of physical activity in a day in short bursts, you will get the same benefits you would if you did it all in one session.

Try something different every so often.Monotony in an exercise routine leads to boredom, which will ultimately lead to no exercise. A change in the type of aerobics, or your specific weight training routine will avoid this problem and will give you greater fitness benefits. You will burn more calories and stimulate muscles in a new way, accomplishing more in a shorter period. Try activities you truly think you will enjoy or you will defeat the purpose and get more frustrated and bored.

I'm not sure if I could follow all these tips but at least I know what to do.

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Me and my Cancer

The "ME" attitude has been around since I was born...spiritually and physically. It has consumed my thoughts and my life to be exact! Not until my eyes were opened on the true reasons why I was really born. I had no idea I was living in this God forsaken attitude...it's a cancer, a spiritual cancer.

For my five years in walking in the "born again" road I have never thought that I had this cancer, it's been feeding thru my bones and my soul. I always thought that I was doing theRIGHT THING but after stumbling onto a huge rock, and getting a slap in the face and got diagnosed...I wasn't doing what God wants me to do...

In my whole Christian life I have always served and got involved in church ministries and alike, singing in the choir, teaching Sunday school, ministry there...and everywhere. After doing all that...I couldn't help but ask my self, why...why am I doing all these? Trying to do everything, and at the end of the day I feel...burned out, with no more strength to do other things. Serving the Lord should be fun, refreshing and more so...relaxing.

I sought for help, prayed to be exact, asked the Lord, "am I really pleasing You in what I do? are the things I am doing are the things that You want me to do? or am I just doing all these because of guilt, and self comfort? " And when He truly reveals to you the real things He wants you to do..the questions would be more scary...

Most Christians nowadays have schedules that are way out of control...speaking engagements, bible study groups, and the like. Schedules that satisfies the human soul...not really Christ. We tend to control our own schedules and place as many "christianly work" into it but really forgetting what is necessary. We are drawing far away from God rather than drawing close and near to God...being intimate. We sacrifice so much with our intimate time with Him with our own selfish efforts.

I could remember myself one time complaining that most young people are not ready to listen to God's word or be at Sunday school because they are always late...for me it was a sign of disinterest. But I realized that it was my cancer who was talking...worst it was ME talking! God's work...is God's work. No need for me to complain or comment on what others are showing or even doing.

We need to separate ourselves from God's work. God is sufficient...no fabrication, no more additions, no more side dishes, no more decorations...just God.

It's a struggle, to have this cancer...but God is still the God who heals, who is full of mercy and of grace. So I need to let go of the things of what He says is not what He wants me to do. Schedules will be changed. I have to let go of the things that pleases me and leave behind the things that really pleases Him and gives Him the glory...no more fabrications.

Missions? teaching Sunday school? singing? leading bible studies? G12? I have nothing against these...but I would ask my self, "Am I glorifying You Lord when I'm doing these? ", let God be the real author of our schedules and much more...the real author of our lives.

A broken spirit and a contrite heart...God will not despise. Nothing more..nothing less. He is enough.

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Choices

Choices, they haunt us first thing in the morning. From what shampoo or soap to use, to what clothes to wear. Often times we need to make wrong hasty decisions that we can never take back and soon enough you find yourself in a pool of resentments. Swimming away, to fix everything.

What was done, is done. I must admit that there were few decisions that I made and resented. OK may be there were more than basically a few...

Everyday I face decisions and a lot of them I never even imagined doing! But even if there were wrong ones, I find myself in a good position.

In my daily walk with my Creator, I have learned to not rely on my own understanding and to never EVER trust my self. Was that another choice? I think it was. I decided to write this note as early as this morning after watching the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy and Smallville, where they had to make choices.

A line in that episode drew a question mark in me that says, "Whatever makes you sleep at night...", when a patient was asked to make a choice.

Grey's Anatomy:
A death row patient wanted to do something good before he dies and decides to give his organ to a boy who badly needs it and is just waiting for some miracle organs to come. The doctors in Seattle Grace didn't want him to die in the hospital, so he decides to kill himself by banging his head exposed brain in his bed!!

Smallville:
Clark was led to choose whether to save mankind or his best friend Chloe who was possessed by Brainiac and was abducted by Doomsday. But ended up saving Chloe and mankind with the help of his 31st century friends from the Legion. Pretty cool.

So I tried asking myself, HOW DO I MAKE CHOICES? I run to God's Word.

We may not know if we came up with the right choice, we don't know what our choices will make up for us. We do not need to know God’s decreed will and how He is providentially bringing it about before we make a decision (Deut. 29:29).

Knowing our future is not our primary objective, and it's not even our job! Often I find myself considering my future before I make any decisions, maybe it does matter but often times for me I end up knowing that it really doesn't. Our destiny in not written in some stone in the future...we write it ourselves together with God. We have no idea what our future is but we know WHO holds it for us.

God is a gracious God who has provided everything we need in order to do what He wants us to do (2 Pet. 1:3). So what is there to worry about? Wrong decisions..yeah I made a lot but my God is SOVEREIGN!

If we make a decision based on biblical commands and principles alone we can fully trust that we are pleasing God in our decision and fully trust that He will providentially (by circumstances out of our control) change our choice if it is not within His decreed will (Ps. 119:30; Prov. 16:9).

And with that I end this note...

“The Bible must be our standard. Whenever we are confronted with a question about Christian practice, we must apply the teaching of the Bible. Sometimes the Bible will deal with it directly, and we must go by its direct teaching. Often the Bible will not deal with it directly, and then we must look for general principles to guide us. It does not matter what other people think. Their behavior is not a standard for us. But the Bible is a standard for us, and it is by the Bible that we must live” (J.C. Ryle, Walking with God).

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To All Who Knows Theology

Yes, if you know anything about it, kindly read down...

And yes, any theology...

Before the year 2008 ended, I kinda opened a conversation with some guys having their masters degree at the Asia Pacific Theological Seminary, while having breakfast, I asked them about what they think of "transferring from one denomination to another", preferably...from being a Nazarene to being a Southern Baptist.

I've been serving in a Southern Baptist church for more than a year now in a choir and in the ensemble group. My Nazarene pastors knows it and yes...they have questioned my loyalty...

If a church is a "body of believers" those who sincerely accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, how does Christology and Theology play a role in a "church"?

I have heard that if your Christology is WRONG...then everything you believe is WRONG!

I remembered when I was in high school, i left church because I think the people that I meet every Sunday were wearing masks...i know that we ought not to check on somebody else's heart, but maybe I was just in the point when I tried asking and seeking the TRUTH.

Everybody seemed...perfect, holy, and.."born-again" but at the end of the day, they take off their masks and live a different life.

I remember a song that I used to sing in the Southern Baptist church:

"Oh may all who come before us find us faithful,
May the light of our devotion LIGHT THEIR WAY,
May the footprints that we leave...LEAD THEM TO BELIEVE,
And the lives we live INSPIRE THEM TO OBEY,
Oh may all who come before us FIND US FAITHFUL..."

And as I was singing this, I've asked myself if somebody did find me faithful...

Honestly, when I was still the one "who came before" I didn't find those who were ahead of me...faithful, and that's very frustrating!

If transferring from one denomination to another is a question of THEOLOGY...please...enlighten me...

Am I discontented? (Maybe...)
Am I bitter? (I don't think I am...)

I am just basically wanting to know more of what a church should be...

I believe that it should be a gathering of the broken, the humble and not of the proud, the helpless and those who place their hope in the One who SAVES...

What do you believe?

Are we who proclaim to be born-again Christians really are walking in the Light? Or are we just being soooo religious? Are we even real in what we say we are?

Help...

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Nostalgia...getting over it!

The holidays are over, i'm sitting here in my office chair, staring at my computer. I celebrated Christmas at home well, not really celebrated I just slept all night for some reasons that when i woke up for noche buena I kinda got edgy and decided to sleep the whole night and wake up at 3am to sing at church for the Christmas Dawn Service. Here's a video of me singing Mary Did You Know...



This was taken during the 530am service at church the Ensembles where I'm one of the members were singing just before everybody uttered their first prayer probably on Christmas Day.

It was different this time, I think there was more freedom in my self that I got to celebrate the holiday the way I WANT IT and not the way the world would think of it to be celebrated. I got to be reunited with two of my closest friends...Glen and Ruel they even brought a missionary friend of theirs who is also their classmate in the seminary who is by the way from Ohio, USA...Jarrett Davis. I must confess that at first it's kinda awkward seeing them after so many years for Ruel and months for Glen.

A day from their arrival I decided to meet them at last along with some of my friends in church.

After meeting them at Port Cafe, Gaisano Mall, I treated them over for coffee at Blugre, Landco Bldg. I had Jarrett try the Durian Coffee and we all had a great time together...felt like they never left! *sigh*

So here I am, being EMO and nostalgic, pouring everything to writing which I think would help even for a slightest bit. After Christmas, I was able to participate in our youth's camp, which swarmed with young people from the East Mindanao district. I didn't hang out at home most of the holidays, I just like out in the streets or in somebody elses house, and for me it was fun.

New Year's eve came, attended prayer meeting to at least let God know that I badly need His help for the coming year, another year, another walk with my God. Seeing my friends after that night, I decided to spend the New Year at JB's place since there were just two of them in there house, his parents are working in Saudi Arabia and weren't able to go home for Christmas and celebrate with them during the New Year. Ruel and Jarrett celebrated the holidays with Glen's family and some relatives.

New Year came, sent everyone dear to me a text message saying my appreciation, and for relationships that I really find hard to reciprocate. Leaving for Manila on the 2nd day of the year...I was afraid I will be losing them for God knows how long!

We all spent their last day in Davao till we couldn't have enough, ate our last dinner together, ate durian together for the last time, IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE LAST TIME..and that...well s*ckd!

Brushing off my thoughts of the "last time", I enjoyed every moment of it. I just wished I was able to stop time and make them stay longer...longer...and another longer.

The dreaded day came...January 2, 2009. They are leaving...it can't be stopped. They like stayed here for 10 days and for us it wasn't enough, really not enough.

We stayed at Glen's house to help them prepare their stuff and probably hangout out with them till then leave and go back to Manila. Just being inside that house with them tears me apart. I kinda get really emotionally attached to people easily, the problem is i find it hard to reciprocate that's why when they all go...painful!

My friends and I got in the car of Glen's brother and head to the harbor, upon arriving, we all hugged eached other, hoping it wasn't the last of it...

then...silence filled the air...

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Jade's Appendicectomy

Previously on Jade' Appendicectomy...

On the dawn of December 15, as the lights in the neighborhood turned off one by one, the village wrapped in silence and enveloped by the crickets' snore, I received a message that gave the reason as to why I am being interrupted in my slumber.

Wendy, my best friend's sister, beeped me saying that her brother's in the hospital and might undergo surgery in the morning.

At the 11th hour of December 15, the operating room ate my angkol, eating his appendix and leaving his body without it.

On the night of December 15, I came over with some of our friends, visiting him in the hospital. There he was, trying to pee avoiding the tube that the doctor was planning to insert in his ureters.

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Sometimes You Need to Stop

It doesn't mean that when you stop doing something, you don't like doing it 'nymore, well that's what I think. Same happens to people and relationships...

I missed blogging, I really do, but sometimes I need to stop it because I don't want to end up writing non-sense blogs and writing so much that I don't make any sense at all.

Anyhoo, it's gonna be Christmas soon and I'm looking forward to seeing friends whom have gone for a long time and giving presents to my "inaanaks" and to few people that have been a blessing to me in their own little way. I just hope I could give 'em something before the year ends, if funds permit. I'll see you all next year! A good year to all of us!

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"Forgot Your Password" ?

Well what do you know, who could ever thought the most widely used password recovery procedure would be exploited? Who could ever thought that a security procedure would not be that secured at all?

I was checking my mails at Hotmail and bumped into an article in MSN. There was an individual who just stole somebody's identity just by viewing the victim's profile that is freely available online! With the flooding rise of community sites on the web today, like Facebook, Friendster, even IMEEM and others, your information is freely available and who ever bumps into your personal information would use what they see to access your bank accounts, email accounts, and other vital information they could get.

I am talking about a man named Herbert H. Thompson, a professor and software developer who was able to spent a career in software security. In his article, he said, "I decided to conduct an experiment to see how vulnerable people's accounts are to mining the Web for information. I asked some of my acquaintances, people I know only casually, if with their permission and under their supervision I could break into their online banking accounts. After a few uncomfortable pauses, some agreed. The goal was simple: get into their online banking account by using information about them, their hobbies, their families and their lives freely available online."

Some security researchers are beginning to sound the alarm about "password resetting" tools, suggesting they could be the weakest link in Web security.

If you try looking for your friend's information, you could simply Google their names and without invoking a magic word, or waving a magic wand, there you see a list of sites where your friend's information is freely available and worse freely exploitable! I tried Googling my name, and there it was, a list of the sites I am currently subscribed and with all the correct but undated information. I tried Googling Himura's name and that's how I found out when his birthday was! (I won't use your information against you Himura.)

When Paris Hilton's cell phone was famously hacked in 2005, some tech sites reported that criminals simply used her dog's name, easily found online, to break in. That theory was later discredited, but it likely sent criminals scurrying to find famous people's dog's names.

It also prompted researchers to study the issue, which is also known as “fallback authentication.” Ariel Rabkin, a researcher at the University of California at Berkeley, is probably the first to attempt to quantify the problem.

"Security questions are getting weaker over time," he said. Mother's maiden name, for example, continues to be asked even though it's often now available from various online sources. "We can’t seem to get rid of that question. … If we do nothing this will get steadily worse."

Red Tape Wrestling Tips
Researchers like Jakobsson are looking for new ways to authenticate consumers. One obvious area of potential is biometrics. The chief criticism of this technology, which uses people’s eyes, fingerprints, etc., to verify their identity, is the “doomsday” possibility that once such information is compromised, it could never be trusted again. You can’t change irises, for example. But Thompson points out that the same is true for personal information such as your first pet’s name or you mother’s middle name. While biometrics has potential flaws, new systems will soon be necessary, Thompson said.

Of course, these security enhancements are still in the future, so for now, consumers must fend for themselves. When answering password recovery questions while registering for online banking and other Web sites, don’t always pick the most obvious question. Consider what someone might be able to find about you on your blog. Better yet, consider not disclosing any personal information on your blog.

Alfred Huger, a security researcher at Symantec Corp., offers this suggestion: Some sites now allow consumers to make up their own question. While that might be a hassle, it’s probably much more secure. Again, think of a question only you can answer, and something that’s unlikely to be in any database. That probably means the name of your first girlfriend or boyfriend won’t cut it.

So the next time you post your information on the web, maybe it's good that you lie about it...just to be safe. If you don't want to lie, you can still post real information on the web but you would not give them "possible answers" to the "Forgot Your Password" link...

Sources: Red Tape Chronicles, Scientific American Website

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Ho Do I Know That I'm Ready for Another Relationship?

When do you really know?

After a breakup, is there a time span when to start all over again?

How do you know that you won't mess up this time?

How do you know if she's "the one"?

Where do I start looking for her?

I had the urge of writing about this after watching the Sex and the City film. I thought that film was full of the sex and not much of the tissues. Yeah there were some awesome sex but really more on relationships.

Just to give you something of what the movie was for me, for me, it was more about these people facing another phase in their lives. From "labels" to real relationships. Living the New York life, some may say people come to New York looking for "real love" it's a melting pot of people who had broken relationships and trying to build it over again and find the real thing.

Yesterday after work, I went downtown, without really knowing where to go and what to do. Landed on the mall, saw some familiar faces from college, some married, some with their other half. And who am I with??! It strucked me that I was alone, being a born-again Christian as I am, I am well aware that I am not alone, but God did not make me to live alone...I know I have to look for...love, the love of a woman whom I can share my love, thoughts, time, and attention.

So how do you really know that you're ready for another relationship?

• Well, my thought is...I need to think of what went wrong with my past relationship yes it was long distance and most people say it would never last, but things happen differently for most people right? So I think it may or may not work...it just depends on how you both do your part in the relationship. So how do I know that I'm up for grabs and ready to meet another lady? "You can't give what you don't have", do I love my self more than any body else? because if i don't then how do I know how to love? I must love my self and get to know my self for me to be ready to share love to someone who's worthy of that love and would gladly accept it.

Is there a time span?

• I don't think there is, well they said it has three phases before you start all over again, you can start all over again if you're willing to, after you have forgiven yourself and admit that you failed, and that you have forgiven your "ex" for her lapses.

How do I know that I won't mess up this time?

• Again, YOU DON'T KNOW. You never will know, entering a relationship is like getting into something that's uncertain, all you know for sure is that you are in love and that you're vulnerable to fail at some point. You can't please every body as hard it is to please your self, you don't know when you'll mess up or when she does...but the question would be, how will you handle when she or you mess up during the relationship? How quick are you to judge? How quick are you to listen? How quick are you to forgive?
• If worse comes to worst, that's when one of you will say, "We need to talk..." that would be the scary part, better prepare...

I can't answer the rest, I dunno the answers...if you think you know, lemme know...

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A Moment of Silence

A lot has happened in the past few days that it would take forever for me to write everything here. I even sent my friends a "text-blog", a 5 part text message of what I've been wanting to spill in the days that passed.

My grandmother died, August 23, 2008, my mom and the rest of my uncles and aunts are grieving but in a way happy that they can't see my grandmother suffering in her bed. She died in my aunt's house at Digos City at 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

I never had the chance to visit her while she was still alive, I don't even think she remembers me, I don't have any "emotional attachment" with my uncles and aunts, honestly, I was so insecure that I can't step my foot at their place. Yes, I was insecure...

On the day of her burial, I left the house pretty early in the morning to travel to Digos, and when I arrived, my aunts and uncles were there that I haven't even met. I just met them that day, and I discretely looked for my cousin/friend (he's the one closest to me) but haven't found him for some hours. I saw his sister (who's really really pretty BTW) so grown up and turned out to be a pretty lady. There were a number of people that day that I really don't know, and I don't know if they also know me...i don't know anything about them, nor do I know something about them...

My insecurities left a mark on me, "I missed knowing my aunts and uncles and especially my late grandmother..."

As we were walking on the road bound at the cemetery, I had some chat with my cousin, I don't know if it was just me or he's aloof. I haven't talked nor seen him for months and a lot has happened since we last met. It was like a reunion but never really knowing what to reunite to. I felt no link between any people at all. I felt out of place.

After my grandmother was buried, I asked for my cousin's father, and he said "you don't know my father?!" and I was just like "I don't know anybody here at all!", so he pointed out to me who his father was and saw him.

I felt this urge in me to reach out to my relatives, really reach out to them like they are really my relatives! But I think it's kinda too late for that now...or is it?

With the past few days, I felt that I have to do something with my relationships with my relatives, my family, my friends, and every body else, not knowing where and how to start.

I missed not knowing them...i think I just lost the opportunity of knowing them deeper like I should.

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