Whole and Loved

Whoa! It has been far too long since my last post here and in between those years, a LOT has happened.

Things I  write on this blog have always been about my private life's experiences if not just about anything else under the sun. But since I haven't posted for a long while, I think I owe my followers and readers (whoever that may be), something. At least I feel like I do.

I remember writing on my post about starting over, saying I am "following Jesus..", and yes, I did, and still do and forever will be, nothing's gonna change no matter how much circumstances have changed. So I left everything and did just that, and then came the next post, asking my self if I am still in pursuit of Christ, I started feeling alone, started to discover things about my self and even had this clear direction, before I left home. I was able to meet people who have led me to knowing my self more but had a hard time on where that would fit with my desire to fully serve God and making an influence in somebody elses life. It was all new for me and I felt uncomfortable in some way and was not comfortable in my own skin. Knowing my self, I just brushed it off and focused why I was where I was, that was the direction I had to take. I just had to finish.

So there I was, flooded with papers to write, assignments to submit, I enjoyed mostly the class other than the requirements (who loves 'em, anyway? right?) and missed most of it and had to find my self starting to work on my papers and assignments after the semester has ended, which made feel like starting the previous and current semester at the same time, and that added to the stress in my work. I was both working and studying at the same time, and partying as well HA!

The discussion I had in class made the direction I was taking even more clearer. Dealing with the stress at work and school, got me out of focus with my personal relationship with God, it was kind of funny tho, I'm reading all these religious stuff from great writers, enjoying and learning from each activity and discussion in class, loving my work, and yet drifting from Christ! I was warned...

But anyway, I'm back, I'm back the rough way...I realized God loves me so much that He didn't want me to pursue something that made me drift away, did I finish my degree? Nope. What happened after the paragraph above? Ask me, and we'll talk.

I'm currently back at home, with family and friends, recuperating, and waiting. And hopefully, will leave before the year ends, WHOLE and LOVED.

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50

Yesterday, I was in a tricycle on my way to work I had 100 peso bill, last money I had, that I used to pay for the ride from home. The driver gave me back 73 peso worth of change that I slipped in my pocket then hurried my way in to the seminary.

During lunch, I used the sum of money I had in my pocket to buy lunch. It was about 75 pesos for the food and 9 pesos for my drinks. When I was done eating, the lady in the dinning hall called my attention and told me that I gave a fake 50 peso bill!

As I was thinking about it, 50 percent of what I gave came back to me...fake. Even though it's not as much as a fake 500 peso bill which could've been devastating, still it was what it was. I asked my self how come I wasn't able to notice it. It was very bright red, the original bill was lighter, it only had one letter in the serial number when there should be 2. The hidden image of the hero in the bill was different, he looked funny and had a lot of hair on his face. Amused by what I was seeing, then I began asking and thinking...deeper.

I began asking my self these questions, "how real am I?", "Is there even a speck of fakefulness hiding in me?", "does my search for authenticity reflect that I am not being real my self?", or "how much truth do I believe in my self and to others?".

How much fakeness do you have? How much is real?

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Coeur brisé moi...again

"Great night!" (so I thought) .

Before sleeping, I did my routine on checking mails, reading articles, and visiting Facebook (of course). There she was feeling alive despite her being denied of her vacation back home. Plans were great before she got denied with it, meeting up, hanging out together, getting to know each other more kind of like. I wanted to walk with her, hold her hands, touch her face, dine with her, walk her home and perhaps...give her a good night kiss.

But then disappointment came, she was devastated, I felt her pain, I felt sadness and how much she tries so hard for whatever she desired to happen, somehow work out. I felt that.

She is a part of me, no matter how some people "identify" her..she was part of me, I invested a big part of my heart to her, for the second time...

After a lot of days without communication, I felt something's up. I know she's going through something, she used to call every night, but she stopped doing it after she got the bad news. I started to wonder, left her emails that some she answered and some she did not.

I wanted it to work, I tried for it to work. She kept saying that we both need to pray for one another. I did. She did, at least she told me she did.

"Good Morning!"

I did not know what was happening, no calls, no emails.

Checked my mails, and there...an email from her, on Facebook, without her profile picture..just her name.

She wrote:

i was desperate 'coz all of my plans wrecked.....i'm very disappointed ....I think things between us for the moment won't work out.... because of my situation, i can't be there for u if u need someone to talk to....because of some personal problems....

my company is unstable and i don't have any assurance because the owner planned to change the management again & again....i've been here for more than 2yrs....and everything was still the same....no wage increase & frequent salary delay....

i decided to take a risk and look for another job....come what may........

if ever in the future if we're really meant for each other we'll gonna meet again....

just take care always.....

God Bless us always

...and I paused

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Am I In Pursuit of God?

Browsing through my blog and reading comments from my previous posts, my last blog, entitled Starting Over, was about how God revealed His plans for me. How trusting I was expressing that, and how obedient I was...but what about now?

What has happened to me? What happened to that trust? That obedience?

I haven't been good in to doing that these past few months. I was in FEAR. I have been focusing on the wrong things, instead of looking towards the plans God laid for me, I was looking and searching for something else. Maybe that's why a lot of people say I am losing weight, I am indeed, but not physically, I am losing weight - spiritually. I believe that if that your soul or spirit is not being healthy, or you don't keep it healthy, it would manifest itself from the inside...out.

I looked for somebody to confide with rather than seeking God Himself. I sought for a romantic relationship to fill a big void rather than allowing God to fill that void. I am in deep trouble. I thought I knew everything, but the more I know these things the more I act like I don't really know. What do I know then?

Maybe the question that I should ask myself is that, do I have faith in everything that I know? Do I trust that One who knows everything? How is my relationship with Him? Am I seeking Him before seeking anything else?

I often thought that asking for space would be a good idea, but why am I asking of something that I have right now? I have a big hole already and now I am thinking of SPACE?! Might as well ask for a black hole!

There are things that I need to deal with, I need to be whole...again. This is my pursuit, to be whole and complete in Christ. My desire is that I would be able to be a mirror that reflects Christ, in my relationship to my loved ones and to others. I just want to be where God is, and allow Him to seal the black hole-like emptiness that is keeping me from growing and the other believers that I have asked for help, empty. Without Christ doing a great work in me and complete it, then I will never be God's obra maestra.

A friend of mine, told me, during Chris Tomlin's visit in the Philippines, that I should acknowledge God's power over the things that are keeping me from being who God wants me to be. That I should let go and LET GOD...

So yes, I am in pursuit, letting go...and letting God do the great work in me and through me

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Starting Over

Moving on...

Leaving a church, best of friends, family, and some really great people are perhaps things that I avoid. I always thought that I could gather everybody in one place till our hairs turn to gray and our faces are filled with wrinkles. But I can't.

Less than a month from now, I will be, well as they all say...starting over.

I could still remember the time I was having breakfast with my former boss at my first job, he asked me, "What are your plans?", having told his plans of putting up his own software business, I readily told him that I always wanted to be a missionary. It was the clearest thing that I ever uttered, being involve in God's work in the front lines. But as time passed I always justified it as something that I can do while having a secular job, I mean I should always do things for God's glory, so why be a missionary?

Resigning from that job, I have heard my boss has already built his own company and is doing well, he is also a Christian and has applauded my desire for an eternal purpose. But that desire faded, not until now...

Having 4 jobs in a year, was difficult. I couldn't find a place where I could say that I am "happy". I enjoy doing my job for like the first six months and not enjoy it after. Everything becomes a routine and happiness just comes when the boss is not around, or when we play DOTA every after 2 hours or when tempted to do so. Work for me was like that, I never thought of seeing it in a different perspective.

And so I prayed, I really prayed, there was one church service that I remember when I prayed, "Lord, show what it means to serve you in spirit and in truth...", I have prayed for that many times but I guess I never meant it.

Months after, after seeking answers about being complete and happy, I lost my job...the company I was working with shut down. The human reaction was always to ask God why... Remembering my prayer, I knew God was up to something, something greater...as they say, "be careful what you pray for..."

On December 2009, a friend of mine came home for Christmas told me that my recent job application at the seminary still stands, and that the seminary is really praying for me. Being without a job, and without the money to pay for my bills, I readily contacted them through Facebook mail and told them that I am interested.

The seminary, the place where I would fulfill God's plan and my desire to be on the front lines...this is it, so I thought. I got convicted that I need to go to the seminary because God in His still, small voice, told me to do so, I don't need to go because of the job, or because I need to pay some bills, or for any other reason...just that voice, I needed to hear that voice...again.

I decided not to take the offer, I decided not to talk to people from the seminary. I needed to listen. I did not want my decisions to be clouded by people, by circumstances, by any other reasons and excuse. I needed to listen.

Then there was this Friday morning, JB and I were having our devotional about the life of King Saul, David and Jonathan. We shared about how important obedience was than offering sacrifices. How God turned His back from King Saul as a price he needed to pay for his disobedience. Having our morning prayer, never expected how that day would turn out.

Evening prayer meeting came, same day, the church was praying for there new deacons, and extending their blessing to the missionaries in Burma. I remember a missionary came up the pulpit and closed that prayer meeting with the same prayer I prayed that morning...I HAD GOOSEBUMPS!

That night I knew I had to listen again...and it all boils down to this. I have decided to follow Jesus...no more excuse now, no more hiding, I am going.

I am moving on...starting over with a different perspective. And NO...I will not be leaving anybody behind, I don't want to think about that that way, I am just going to a place where God wants me to be, and when I meet them again...what an AMAZING view that will be.

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That Little Boy

Christmas...a season of hope, love, giving, and joy. As I was contemplating what Christmas would be like for me this year, I thought of other people instead...

As a growing Christian, I know and have always believed on the true reason why I celebrate Christmas, but then what about others? Will they live the same truth? When there is hopelessness, poverty, illness, and other miseries!

I think of the kids on the street, with nothing to eat, and with no home to be on Christmas day. I feel for my friend who's mom is in the ICU who just had brain surgery. I feel for my friends who won't be with their parents and complete family during Christmas day. I wonder what will be Christmas be for them...

But then when I think of the pain that these people go through, the loneliness they have to endure waiting for their loved ones home, the cold of the night that the kids would have to endure...i think of that boy...who was born in a manger, cold, where no inn would accept them, where no family would be willing to help them, and soon enough where people would soon crucify Him.

I think of that little Boy...who came to give everybody HOPE. Who gave the reason for all of us to celebrate. That despite the sufferings, we believe that one day will come He will wipe every tear in our eyes, and every torn that caused pain He will remove.

I don't know how those people would celebrate, but I wish that they would think of that little boy...

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Life's Crisis

Life, some say it's unfair, some say it's worth having, some treasures it so much that they refuse to lose it, and for some a toy that they can play with any way they want.

A lot of people today visited their dearly departed in cemeteries, I always wondered how they lived their lives. I wonder why, after years of being lost, they are not forgotten. Will I be forgotten?

It's a long weekend because of the holiday and I just came from a retreat with a lot of young people from Cross Reign Ministry Church and I had a retreat my self too. It's my first time to be really be a part of a team that would really handle a retreat coz before I was this boy who just participates and be led. Now it's my turn, time has turned the tables on me.

During our first night, I was able to have a slight of background of those kids. Some were recently suspended from school because of drinking inside the classrooms, by the way, did I mention they're just in high school? So yes, some of them were dysfunctional, they're going through stuff that I think I was in back then.

So being there for these kids, it was a very BIG opportunity to be in the team, it was a time for me to personally minister to those kids in a timely crisis. The crisis of life...

When I was at their age, I really did not have a full understanding of living a Christian life, I never really felt the need to understand it as well, I think I was doing OKAY...

My prayer is that, whatever they learned during the retreat, I just pray that they choose and really decide to treasure it, the response might not come overnight, but I do hope that they get to walk along with it.

And to those who have already decided how to do with their lives, I hope they remain faithful, I pray that they would really press on and not give up. Life is wonderful with Jesus. I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

I really like to write about it a lot more but I felt like, I just have to sit and wait for God's hands to work. I did what He told me to do...now i'll leave it all up to Him.

May God bless us all, let us continue to press on and not give up.

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